40 posts tagged “dvd”

I ran an errand for my mother today, and next to the place I was running this errand (repairing a TV part), there was a pawn shop.  I had 15 minutes to kill, so I went next door to see what was up.  Besides the usual jewelry and musical instruments (I saw Lisa Simpson's saxomophone in there), there was a huge selection of DVDs, CDs, and video games.  I hit the DVDs and bought King of New York and A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints, both of which I have not seen before, both of which are supposed to be pretty good, and both of which cost me $5 apiece.

Five bucks, kiddos.  That's nothing to sneeze at.  That's less than the price of a daytime movie ticket.

I took them up to the counter, where this ridiculously nice lady rang them up for me.  The pawn shop is operated by a kindly old (possibly Jewish) couple, and being rung up by this woman was like being helped by my sweetest, most favorite aunt.  She chatted about the movies ("Haven't seen this before, hmm...what's it about?"), looked at the discs to make sure they were unscratched, and was generally the nicest human being I've met all week long.

Which presents an interesting question: they have a shelf of hard-core porn DVDs.  Picture this scenario:

"Oh, Rocco's Anal Tryouts, I haven't seen that...is it good?"

Who in their right mind purchases hard-core pawn shop pornography from the sweetest lady on Earth?  I mean, 5 bucks is a swingin' deal for pawn shop porn, but come on!  I don't think I'd ever be able to look her in the eyes again.  Anyway, I can see myself spending a lot of spare cash at this place, filling out my DVD shelves with the crushed hopes and dreams of my fellow man.

Good times!

The Movie:  I Am Legend

The Copy: "The last man on earth is not alone.  Will Smith portrays that lone survivor in I Am Legend, the action epic fusing heart-pounding excitement with a mind-blowing vision of a desolated Manhatten

Somehow immune to an unstoppable, incurable virus, military virologist Robert Nevill (Smith) is now the last human survivor in New York City and maybe the world.  But he is not alone.  Mutant plague victims lurk in the shadows...watching Neville's every move...waiting for him to make a fatal mistake.  Perhaps mankind's last, best hope, Neville is driven by only one remaining mission: to find an antidote using his own immune blood.  But he knows he is outnumbered...and quickly running out of time."

The Critique: I don't hate it, but I'm not particularly in love with it.  You have two stupid phrases in the first paragraph: "heart-pounding excitement" and "mind-blowing", and those would be bad enough on their own, but they're especially terrible when a pull-quote is featured directly above them from Maxim's critic/whore Pete Hammond that reads, "MIND-BLOWING EXCITEMENT."  So, you're just letting film critics, and not even particularly good ones, write your copy now, huh, Warner Brothers?  I won't go into a rant here about plague victims versus the original novella's vampires, but I will point out that even the people who wrote this couldn't come up with a logical reason why Neville (who happens to be maybe the only person on earth who can fix this thing, coincidentally) just happens to be immune.  They don't even try.  "Somehow immune", it says, and you can imagine the copy-writer just throwing his hands up in the air, like "WHAT THE FUCK?"   Also, that bit about lurking in the shadows...watching...waiting...is not only a continuation of the movie's confusion about how intelligent these creatures are but also blatant ellipsis abuse.  Oh, and that "last man on earth is not alone" crap really bugs me, especially in light of the asinine places this thing goes in the final act, but since it was the tag-line for the movie, I guess I'll have to leave it alone.

The Fix:  "The last man on eath is not alone.

Robert Neville (Will Smith) is the last human survivor in a New York City run rampant with crazed mutant plague victims who only come out at night [editorial aside: that's because they're supposed to be goddamned vampires].  A former military virologist who is also strangely immune to the disease, Neville is driven to find the secret to the cure in his own blood, all the while fighting off the viscious infected and his own sanity-threatening loneliness.  Will Smith gives a tour-de-force performance in this gripping thriller as a man outnumbered...and running out of time."

The Analysis:  Pardon my use of the cliche' "tour-de-force", but I really do think that Smith was that good in this film and it needed to be mention.  I also mentioned his fragile mental state, because it's a pretty big part of the movie.  Is it better?  I think so.  I kept their "outnumbered...and running out of time" phrase because every DVD blurb needs a little cheese, even if it does contain a dreaded ellipsis.

So, I watched I Am Legend today, the same day I posted a trailer for Omega Man, which is an interesting coincidence.  Here's a quickie review:

Will Smith's performance was pretty awesome.  I finally consider him a "real" actor.

Keeping the bit with the dog from the novella was a brave decision.  Richard Matheson broke my fucking heart by killing that dog.  Hey, fuck you, Richard Matheson.

Cgi vampires, zombies, infected, whatever you want to call them?  Yeah, they suck.  Note to Hollywood: try casting HUMAN actors as HUMAN monsters.  You'll save a bundle on your effects budget and your movie won't look like shit.  Also, they weren't very effective as adversaries.  The vampires (yes, vampires) in the novella talked.  They start off the story standing outside Neville's fortress calling for him to come out.  That is much scarier.  Plus, the script is very back and forth on how intelligent they are.  They're portrayed as fierce animals, but they manage to rig a complicated bait-and-snare?

The third act is total balls.  Deus ex machina screenwriting makes William Goldman cry, and so do tacked-on uplifting endings that seem focus-grouped  Totally false, unearned, and untrue to the spirit of both the source material and the first two-thirds of this movie.

It wasn't bad, but it could have been so much better.

Every now and then I get the urge to watch it.  Tonight the urge was as a result of playing the irritatingly difficult LEGO Star Wars video game.  So, I watched Star Wars (no episode number, no subtitle...Star Wars, okay?), and as usual when I throw one of these movies on lately, I couldn't manage to watch it to the end.  I got up to the point where Luke and Han are dressed up as stormtroopers, and I just turned it off.

I guess I require more than the childish jokes and superficial thrills of a Star Wars movie now.  It was fine when I was six, but I'm 37 now, and this sophomoric crapola just doesn't cut it any more.  I've watched No Country for Old Men four times since I bought it (and once before), and it becomes a deeper and richer viewing experience each time.  Star Wars does not, and cannot, become deeper or richer.  It just exposes more and more of its own tragic flaws.

I'm more in love with the idea of Star Wars, and my own nostalgic memories of loving it, than I am with the actual product.  There's just nothing there.  It's like watching a child play with his toys, except in this case the child is a young George Lucas.  That sandbox action just doesn't appeal to me anymore.  Lucas's assertion that the movies have always  been for kids isn't just a harebrained new father's justification for the dumbing-down of his film product.  They've always been dumb.  Only a kid could like this crap, and only a kid should.

I really wish I hadn't bought the films on dvd (I didn't bother with Return of the Jedi because I knew that it was a retarded puppet show).  Some things should remain in the past, and some nostalgia should remain unsullied.  I really don't think I'll bother watching these movies again.  I'll just play the games upon occasion, and have fond memories of how they stimulated my 6-year old imagination.  That's what kids' movies are supposed to do, and Star Wars more than served its purpose.

Me:  [Pointing to the video box for No Country for Old Men, which I just bought.]  Hey, I picked up No Country for Old Men today, which happened to be the Best Picture winner this year.  I'm telling you because I never know how informed you are on this stuff.

Mike:  Let me see that for a minute.  [Looks at the box for three seconds.]  No, I've never heard of this movie before.

Me:  Yeah, that's why I just told you that.  Have you heard of Tommy Lee Jones?  Because he's in it.

Mike:  Oh, yeah yeah yeah...big dick!

Me:  Huh?

Mike:  Yeah, wasn't he in, like, a porno once?

Me:  WHAT?  No, Tommy Lee Jones was never in a porn!

Mike:  Oh, well...that's how up on this stuff I am, I guess.  [Shrugs and walks outside to smoke.]

This chat contains spoilers for the film 30 Days of Night, if you care.

-----

me: Hello, Sara Shea, what's happenin'?
sara: Hey Kevin Wolf!
  Waiting to start work at 11pm
me: Yippee!
  Man, your schedule sucks!
sara: IT TOTALLY DOES
me: I just watched "30 Days of Night".
sara: I hate working overnight
me: It was Not Bad.
sara: what did youthink?
  yes, I agree
me: It is bleak and bloody as hell, which is the way I like my horror.
sara: soooo trye
  true, even
me: I quibble with a couple plot points, but generally I thought it was quite good.
sara: yes, I saw it alone when it came out, and left feeling entertained and impressed with most of it
me: Yeah.
  My quibbles:
  I tire of the science-ification of horror movies, so I do NOT think that a UV light would ahve the same effect upon a vampire as the sun.
sara: yes
me: Vampirism is a CURSE, it's SUPERNATURAL, it has nothing to do with viruses and UV light.
sara: yes
me: The SUN kills them, not grandma's grow lamp.
  Second quibble:
  The dude blows himself up with like 8 sticks of dynamite, and then you see him still alive with half his face blackened.
  What the HELL is that all about?
sara: HHAHAHAHA
  I forgot about that
  yes
me: Third quibble: the big one.
  You know what I am going to say.
sara: say it anyway
me: Josh Hartnett turns himself into some half-ass vampire by injecting his dead friend's blood?
 And then he goes out to fight the bloodsuckers and save his woman, but the sun was coming up in like ten minutes   anyway?
  That was retarded.
sara: hehe
me: However, the final shot, with her holding him as he turned to ash, was very nice, so...
  Whatcha gonna do?
sara: I was able to swallow the injection thing, even though I didn't love it so much, because the rescue scene was fun
me: Yeah.
  My favorite bit?
sara: um, and the girlfriend is hawt
me: Little brother CHOPPING A 6-YEAR OLD'S FUCKING HEAD OFF.
  CHOPPED
  IT
  OFF.
sara: SO GREAT
me: That's so much more hardcore than you usually get from a Hollywood horror flick.
  I loved how it was just unabashedly R-Rated.
sara: and yet, it was your run-of-the-mill-bloody-fang-movie
  AND SO MUCH MORE
me: Haha.
  And Josh Hartnett continues his illogical string of Kevin-impressing film roles.
sara:  I actually really dug their take on Renfield
  that was unexpected
me: He's come a long way since playing the brooding drug dealer in that crapfest "The Faculty".
sara: (ok, I liked Hartnett too, WHICH I CANNOT EXPLAIN)
me: Oh, yeah, Ben Foster was great.
  Check out "3:10 to Yuma" if you want to see a great Ben Foster performance.
sara:  no one goes for renfield these days
 unless they want to do a corset piece, you know
me: Haha, yeah.
sara: so, that was refreshing
me: Indeed!
sara:  I love me the vampire movies
  and I love me the zombie movies
  and it was kinda both
me: Yeah, it was more zombie than vampire.
 All horror movies nowadays are basically zombie movies, it seems.
sara: yes, it's a disturbing trend, I find
  not everything can be zombies
  THIS IS A FACT
 me: Seriously.
  HAHA!
  Yes, it is an inarguable fact that NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE ZOMBIES.
  Print that on a tee-shirt, because it is TRUE.
sara: WE HAVE JUST MADE A TSHIRT
  hahaha
  we are genuises

Don't believe the hype, ladies and gentlemen.  If you see this dvd at your local dvd purveyor's, and you read the blurbs splashed all over it about what a fun, hilarious, and altogether yummy throwback slasher movie it is, and if you've read, as I, all of the enthusiastic reviews at Aintitcool.com, you might be suckered, as I, into purchasing this piece of shit.

Here's what it has going for it: gory, over-the-top kills, and semi-frequent bare breasts.  One pair of breasts belongs to Mercedes McNabb (Harmony from Buffy the Vampire Slayer), and it is quite a thrill to see Harmony's breasts, especially since McNabb is playing the same sort of dumb blonde here, and especially since her breasts are nicely pert.

THAT'S IT.  Apparently, tits and gore are good enough for Aintitcool's legion of sexually retarded child-men, but discerning viewers need a bit more than that.  Don't get me wrong: tits and gore are essential qualities of this sort of thing, but a story and believable characters are also necessary.

The story is retarded, the "legend" sloppy and ill-conceived, the characters both stupid and poorly acted, and the entire movie seems to take place 50 feet from the killer's shack, which the victims KNOW is the killer's shack, but they keep hanging around outside of it anyway.

This is a bad film.  Do not be fooled.

• Finally tracked down Fido on dvd (I had to check several stores).  It's a pleasant little twist on the Lassie formula, but it never really pushes things to truly sick levels.  Despite the violence and intimations of zombie sex, it remains resolutely tasteful throughout, which is a bit of a disappointment.  Regardless, I liked it, and will watch it again, if only for the obvious Homeland Security satire.
• Also borrowed 28 Weeks Later.  One of the worst-directed films I've ever seen.  Everything is just shouting and running and shaky-cam and quick edits with no sense of geography.  I turned it off about forty minutes in.  Terrible.
• Bought the new album by Spoon the other day.  It's very good, if too slight and easy forgettable.
• Formula for an episode of Chuck:  Chuck has a real-life responsibility that his secret spy life interferes with, causing him grief with his sister/best friend/boss.  Chuck is presented with a reason to distrust Sarah.  This distrust causes him to disobey her orders and fuck up the mission.  Chuck apologizes.  Later, he disobeys her again, but this time saves her life/catches the bad guy/diffuses the bomb.  Chuck makes things up to the person he disappointed earlier.  Chuck and Sarah have a tender moment at the end of the show.  Six episodes in, the same story every time.  The show's cruising on charm, but I'm about to dump it like Heroes.  Adam Baldwin's badassness is not enough for me to tune in week after week for more of the same.  I'm remembering why I don't watch television; are all shows like this?
• If the idea of a cowboy using Sherlock Holmes's deductive methods to solve mysteries sounds like a good deal for you, I highly reccommend Holmes on the Range by Steve Hockensmith.  The title is an almost unforgiveably cheesy pun, but Hockensmith knows his Holmes, and the story is a consistently funny and entertaining read.

• The Death Proof DVD is awesome.  If you liked the movie in the theater (if you're one of the 20 people who bothered seeing the best bargain of the year), you're going to love this DVD set: extended movie, the full lapdance, a bunch of behind the scenes featurettes.  Unfortunately, no amount of special features can improve that awful scene where the second set of girls sits around a table talking forfuckingever, but still...it's a good time.  Car crashes are groovy.  Kurt Russell is a god amongst men.  Rosario Dawson is so cute it should be a crime.  Pick it up if you want to hang with the cool kids.
• The series premier of Chuck was light, pleasant entertainment.  The leads are all appealing, the supporting cast not so much (that guy who plays Chuck's insensitive, bearded friend/coworker...I'm not liking him).  I don't know how long this premise can play out (isn't all of this data in Chuck's head eventually going to be too old to be of any use?), but I'll give it five or so episodes.  Gotta do something while waiting for Heroes to come on, anyway.
• Speaking of Heroes, it looks like the writers are still basically talentless at story pacing.  For instance, the episode is called "Four Months Later", but we pick up with Hiro at the precise second that we left him last season.  I get that he's in another time, and maybe the "Four Months Later" thing doesn't really apply to him, but it would have been nice to have some consistency.  Claire got to do nothing of note, Nathan's a drunk, Peter has amnesia, Parkman is dealing with the brat Molly (she has at least improved as an actor since last year), Mohinder's doing whatever the hell his boring ass does, the Nikka/Jessica-Micah-D.L. troika of terrible actors is nowhere to be seen (and not missed), and they appear to have killed off George Takei.  Hippity fucking hooray.  A pretty lame way to start the season.  As usual, Hiro is the only member of the cast who seems to be having an interesting adventure.  Oh, we also meet a kid who's interested in Claire and can also fly.  Season 2, and they're already running out of superpowers.  Egad.  This better get a whole lot more interesting a whole lot faster.
• 94.7 KNRK's (my local "alternative" station) stated goal: "To be the number one station in your cubicle."  In other words: "To be safe, familiar, and nonthreatening but still just barely edgy enough for you to listen to at work so that you can feel like the cool person on your floor without actually running any risk of offending anybody."  Hey, guys, congratulations!  GOAL ACHIEVED, FUCKERS.
• Eastern Promises was a lackluster, formula script elevated by David Cronenberg's steady, audacious hand and Viggo Mortensen's already legendary performance.  Highly recommended for the sheer craftsmanship on display.  The story, however, is pure TV movie, so don't expect too much from it.

Ed Wood

Hit the DVD section at Fred Meyer, and lo and behold, they had one of my favorite movies that I'd never gotten around to purchasing for only $12 American.

That's what we call a steal around these parts, buddy.

My love for this movie is without reservation.  It is about so many of my favorite things: movies, sci-fi, horror, true Hollywood tales, con artists, dogged determination...

Cross-dressing is not one of those things.

It's also the first movie where I realized that Johnny Depp was maybe an important actor, or at least an entertaining one.

Martin Landau stole the Oscar from Samuel L. Jackson with his supporting role as Bela Lugosi.  It's a genius performance.  No other actor stood a chance of winning that category that year (but dammit, that was Jackson's best chance to ever get a gold baldy, now that he just makes shit).

Ah, well.

Some people don't consider this to be Tim Burton's best film, and those people should be blinded with pokers and driven into the desert, there to wrestle with buzzards for the dead flesh of dessicated cattle.